I always wondered how Jesus still loved Judas, even when He knew that Judas would betray Him. I wondered how He felt and if His heart hurt. Well, tonight I kind of feel that pain. You know, as a parent we want to trust our children. We want to believe that our kids will never lie to us, will never disappoint us, and will always hold themselves up and live for God. Now, we all know that this is something that probably will not happen, but we always hope for that. Well, I did anyway, which is why this is so hard.
This weekend was a hard one for our home. We have found out many things that were just hurtful and we have lost our daughters trust. It still hurts so bad, even as I write this, I must hold back tears. I have always told my daughter the importance of keeping our trust, the importance of being a TRUE Christian young lady, the importance of morals and values. So why is it that they still fall? Okay, okay, I know why, but I have to ask. This world is so deceitful and it just burns me up inside! I am honestly so mad at Satan right now that if I could spit in his face and throw something at him I would. Okay, so that isn't very Godly, but I don't think you understand the severity of this all. My precious daughter has now broken her parents trust, and that is such a hard thing. To sit there and have to ground her and take things away from her that she loves and to tell her that we don't trust her was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
The hardest thing to get her to understand is our love. We still love her, that has never changed, but trust was so special. Trust was something that was given freely and was an honor to bestow on her, but now it is gone. And I hate not being able to trust her. I hate having to treat her like a child again when she was growing up so well. I hate having to take things away from her that she loves and having to humble her. But I know that this is what must be done. I know that as a parent trying to raise Christian children, I must discipline. God disciplines us, even when it hurts. God trusts us with His children, so we must discipline them, even when it hurts.
So what do we do now? We continue to pray for her. We continue to show her love and support, because that will never change. We continue to guide her and show her how to regain that trust and to regain who she was before all of this took place. But my heart is still heavy. I still wonder if I did something wrong. I still wonder where I went wrong. And I still wonder if things will ever be the same. My heart hurts, and now I have just a pinch of what Jesus must have felt that day. Honestly, it is probably what He still feels when, we, His children, betray Him. It gives me a whole new aspect of His love and what He wants and desires from us. How can we maintain His trust and love? Obey His commands, listen to His voice, have a relationship with Him.
Lord, as I continue to learn on this road of parenthood, guide me. Stretch me. Teach me. Hold me when I am weak, and give me the words that build Your children up and doesn't break them down. Lord, humble me so that I may be able to teach my children humbleness. Lord, thank you for the opportunity to raise Your children, just help me to not make a mess of it all! Amen
